Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Mini Breakdown

So last night I had a mini breakdown.  I had a really good morning, but by the afternoon I could feel the emotion welling up.  I kept fighting it off, determined to make it through work.  Then what I had been dreading happened, my coworker asked if I had any news.  This was the exact reason I didn't tell her about IVF #1 and 2, she's the type of person that asks for updates.  As soon as I got back to work after my ET, she asked how things went.  When I told her it went well, she talked non stop about how happy she was for me and how she new what she would get me as a present.  I kept reminding her that it hadn't worked yet and that IVF isn't a sure thing, but she is naive.

Anyway, I am getting ready to leave and she asks how everything was going.  I try to avoid the topic and tell her I'm fine.  She then pushes the topic and asks if I have any good news.  I just say no, that it didn't work.  It was like she couldn't believe it.  I have to explain that even under perfect situation, the success rate is only about 50%.  She had thought since I had taken time off for my blood work that it must have been good news.  I had to explain that they do blood work on everyone.  I started to lose it right there at work, but was able to get to my car before the real tears started.

It was like I had been successfully burying all of my feelings about this cycle and having to say out loud that it didn't work was a trigger for all of these emotions to start flooding in.  I sobbed when I got home.  I told DH that I just don't want to go to our WTF appointment if the doctor is going to give me bad news.  I know it sounds stupid, but I just don't want to hear any more bad news.  I am at my limit of bad news.  I hate knowing what my RE is going to say, he was ready for us to look into donors last cycle.  I am just having a hard time accepting this.  Every IVF cycle we have done has gotten better, I feel like we are so close to success that I shouldn't give up yet.  My big fear though is wasting more money cycling again with my own eggs only to have another failed cycle.  I just don't know how many more failed cycles I can get through.  I'm not ready to give up, but it need to make sure we have a good chance at success.  I don't have the money or energy to waste on cycles doomed to fail.


  1. I'm so sorry Twinkie and my heart hurts for you. I am sending you great big hugs.

  2. I'm so sorry, Twink. It's not stupid at all that you are reluctant to hear what your doctor will say. Even when we know what they're going to say, hearing it out loud from a medical professional makes it more real. I'm sending you all the strength I can muster and want to remind you that it's ok to cry. You don't always have to be "strong" and crying isn't a sign of weakness anyway.

  3. I'm so sorry Twinkie. I'm sad for you and I'm holding out hope for you. Sending you big hugs.

  4. I'm so sorry Twinkie. I can totally see your hesitation about the WTF appt, as Run said, even when we know it, hearing it from someone else, especially a medical professional is still really hard. I am sending lots of strength and love your way <3