Mini Breakdown

So last night I had a mini breakdown.  I had a really good morning, but by the afternoon I could feel the emotion welling up.  I kept fighting it off, determined to make it through work.  Then what I had been dreading happened, my coworker asked if I had any news.  This was the exact reason I didn't tell her about IVF #1 and 2, she's the type of person that asks for updates.  As soon as I got back to work after my ET, she asked how things went.  When I told her it went well, she talked non stop about how happy she was for me and how she new what she would get me as a present.  I kept reminding her that it hadn't worked yet and that IVF isn't a sure thing, but she is naive.

Anyway, I am getting ready to leave and she asks how everything was going.  I try to avoid the topic and tell her I'm fine.  She then pushes the topic and asks if I have any good news.  I just say no, that it didn't work.  It was like she couldn't believe it.  I have to explain that even under perfect situation, the success rate is only about 50%.  She had thought since I had taken time off for my blood work that it must have been good news.  I had to explain that they do blood work on everyone.  I started to lose it right there at work, but was able to get to my car before the real tears started.

It was like I had been successfully burying all of my feelings about this cycle and having to say out loud that it didn't work was a trigger for all of these emotions to start flooding in.  I sobbed when I got home.  I told DH that I just don't want to go to our WTF appointment if the doctor is going to give me bad news.  I know it sounds stupid, but I just don't want to hear any more bad news.  I am at my limit of bad news.  I hate knowing what my RE is going to say, he was ready for us to look into donors last cycle.  I am just having a hard time accepting this.  Every IVF cycle we have done has gotten better, I feel like we are so close to success that I shouldn't give up yet.  My big fear though is wasting more money cycling again with my own eggs only to have another failed cycle.  I just don't know how many more failed cycles I can get through.  I'm not ready to give up, but it need to make sure we have a good chance at success.  I don't have the money or energy to waste on cycles doomed to fail.