It's weird how I can have pretty good days followed by really bad days. The last few days have been really bad. The kind of days that involve coming home from work sobbing because I just can't shake the sadness and going to bed at 6:00 because I am so upset and sleep is the only relief I get. My husband is so supportive, but it's hard on him too because there is nothing he can say that will make me feel better. How are just supposed to accept that you may never have biological children?
I hate how much infertility takes away. Getting pregnant is supposed to involve a bottle of wine and a sexy night with your husband, but thanks to infertility it's now all about doctors and medical procedures. I was supposed to be able to surprise my parents with the announcement that they will be grandparents again, but thanks to infertility there won't be any surprise since they know about our treatments. We were only supposed to be in our starter home a few years, but since all of our extra money goes towards treatments who knows when we will be able to buy our next house. And once we had children, I was supposed to be able to just stare at them trying to decide if they looked more like DH or me. Now it looks like infertility has taken that too.
My husband always manages to focus on the good things and I love him for it. He keeps pointing out that I can get pregnant and that even if we can't have "our biological" children, they will still be "our" children. I know that he's right, but I still mourn the idea of biological children.
Welcome to my pity party. It's BYOB.
I think you (the general you) have to mourn the idea of biological children before you can feel ready to move to the next step, whatever that next step may be. There is so much grieving included in IF that people who have never struggled with IF couldn't understand, and this is a part of that. I'm so sorry you are having some really bad days lately. I wish there was something more I could do to help besides just sending virtual hugs and reminding you that I, and many others, are thinking about you right now and sending you strength. <3
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you a great big hug right now. I wish there was something that I could say that would provide some comfort to you, but I know those words don't exist, I can't just say something and take away the pain you're feeling. All I do know is that we're here for you, we will be strong when you can't, and we will be here for you for whatever you next steps may be. Sending lots of love and hugs your way. <3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteTwink, I am so sorry you find yourself in the dark these days. I know there's nothing anyone can say or do to take the pain away... just have faith that you will see the sunshine again someday, somehow. {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
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