WTF Appointment part 2

Well WTF part 2 turned out wildly different from part 1.  I was prepared for more talk about donor eggs or embryo adoption, but what I got was a plan for one more cycle!  The RE that our doc talked to thinks that we still have a shot with my eggs.  He thinks we need to push my ovaries harder to maximize the number of eggs retrieved.  Last cycle I had several smaller follicles that didn't quite catch up,  this cycle we are aiming to get those follicles up to a mature size.

We will also do genetic testing on the embryos if we have enough.  My clinic offers CGH testing which is done on day 5 blastocysts.  My doctor doesn't recommend CGH unless we have 4 or more good quality embryos to test.  If we don't have enough embryos, then we can either just transfer 1 or 2 and hoping at least one is normal, or banking the embryos and trying another fresh cycle.

"I Believe" Video Journal Contest - Voting is Now Open!

There were technical difficulties with uploading the videos, but voting is finally open for the video journal contest I entered.  Here is the link:

http://haveababy.com/ibelieve2013davis/

Thanks to everyone who voted or offered their support, it means so much to us.  I think that voting runs through December 1st.  They will look at number of votes and a panel of judges from the clinic will chose a winner.  I think the winner will be announced December 20th.

The Loss of What Could Have Been

So I have started to actually research donor eggs (DE) and embryo adoption (EA) and came across  an article that talked about the emotions of moving onto third party reproduction.  The article compared the emotions of moving on to DE or EA to that of experiencing a loss, and that it is important that you take the time to grieve the loss of biological tie to your child.

When I started thinking about it, it is like grieving a loss, the loss of a biological child that will never be born.  Anyone who has TTC has probably spent some time thinking about what their child will look like.  I know I have.  I hoped that my child would have my curls but DH's hair color, DH's straight nose and my thick eye lashes.  We eventually create this idea of a child in our minds.  It is the loss of this potential child that we grieve, the biological child that will never be.

I thought more about grieving and the tangle of emotions that I have been dealing with thanks to infertility and I started thinking about the "five stages of grief."  I know that it was originally created to explain the emotions faced dealing with terminal illness, but it really is applicable to many life altering situations, including infertility and third party reproduction.  The five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I think I have felt all of these emotions over the last few weeks.  I am still working on acceptance.

Dark Days

It's weird how I can have pretty good days followed by really bad days.  The last few days have been really bad.  The kind of days that involve coming home from work sobbing because I just can't shake the sadness and going to bed at 6:00 because I am so upset and sleep is the only relief I get.  My husband is so supportive, but it's hard on him too because there is nothing he can say that will make me feel better.  How are just supposed to accept that you may never have biological children?

I hate how much infertility takes away.  Getting pregnant is supposed to involve a bottle of wine and a sexy night with your husband, but thanks to infertility it's now all about doctors and medical procedures.  I was supposed to be able to surprise my parents with the announcement that they will be grandparents again, but thanks to infertility there won't be any surprise since they know about our treatments.  We were only supposed to be in our starter home a few years, but since all of our extra money goes towards treatments who knows when we will be able to buy our next house.  And once we had children, I was supposed to be able to just stare at them trying to decide if they looked more like DH or me.  Now it looks like infertility has taken that too.

My husband always manages to focus on the good things and I love him for it.  He keeps pointing out that I can get pregnant and that even if we can't have "our biological" children, they will still be "our" children.  I know that he's right, but I still mourn the idea of biological children.

Welcome to my pity party.  It's BYOB.

"I Believe" Video Contest

I submitted our video for the "I Believe" video contest.  They extended the deadlines, so voting doesn't start until next week.  When my video is posted, I will let everyone know.

I know that I probably won't win, but making the video was therapeutic.  In some ways it was sad putting together a video that highlights all of the crap we've been through over the last 2 years- a year of trying on our own, all of the testing, an IUI, heading to the RE, more testing, 3 more IUIs, an IVF with a canceled transfer, a second IVF, a chemical pregnancy, and now potentially moving on to donor eggs.  Even typing it out just now it seems like a lot of crap.  I guess the good way to look at it is that we've been through all of this crap and we've come out on the other side stronger for it.

Today I was also able to talk about our potentially needing an egg donor without crying, which is a big step for me.  I had lunch with a coworker and she had asked if I was still planning on cycling again in January.  I managed to have a conversation about our terrible WTF without tearing up.  I feel like I am making progress.

IF Limbo

I am in treatment limbo.  I have no plan for what our next steps will be, and I need a plan.  Anyone who knows me IRL knows that I am a planner.  I am not spontaneous, I need things planned out and if necessary, have a couple of back up plans. Sure we have discussed some options, but nothing definitive.  The one thing that was getting me through the chemical pregnancy was my plan to cycle in January.  Now that this plan is off the table I feel lost. I need something to look forward to.  Right now all I can focus on is the fact that we will probably never have biological children and it tears me up.

I think the hardest part is that I don't know what to do.  My heart wants another shot at IVF with my eggs.  I just feel like we haven't given it our best shot.  But IVF is expensive and is it worth spending $15,000 on a cycle that probably has no chance at success just because I can't let go of the idea?  My sister has offered to donate eggs again (although we haven't fully discussed this option yet) and this should be a great option.  Much less expensive than anonymous donor and I could still have a baby that is genetically related to me.  For some reason this option doesn't make me feel better.  For some reason the thought of my sister going through IVF/ER makes me upset, I think because deep down I want it to be me.

WTF Appointment

Today was my WTF appointment and it was not good.  I had a whole list of questions for my RE and I never got to a single one of them.  Our RE doesn't think we should cycle again, he thinks we would be throwing away money.  He talked a little about doing some genetic testing (karyotyping) and DQ Alpha Match testing to see if we can figure out why our embryos don't grow normally.  He also said that he would pass our file on to another RE for review to see if he could come up with any ideas for us.

Basically he gave us the following options for building our family.  1. Adoption.  I think this is a great option, but I really want to experience pregnancy.   So for now this is not something we are considering.  2.  Embryo adoption.  My clinic recommends NDEC.  This is a possibility for us, but DH isn't thrilled about having to go through the whole home study approval process.  3. Donor Sperm.  We could try a few rounds of Clomid + IUI with donor sperm.  DH is not comfortable with this idea and I don't like the success rates for IUI.  4. Donor Egg.  DE can be expensive.  My sister has offered to donate eggs, but we haven't really discussed it in depth and DH is not super comfortable with the idea.

This whole week has been an emotional roller coaster and I want  off the ride.  It was a week ago today that I got my positive beta.  So much has changed in a week.  I also finally started my period this evening.  I knew it was coming, but it still hurts.

Now the waiting begins

I feel like I am in this weird place right now.  I am no longer pregnant, but I haven't gotten my period yet.  I'm in limbo.  Emotionally I am doing better today.  I made it through the whole day of work without crying, although I will admit that it was a struggle at a few points.   My sister had sent me text messages inviting me to her m/c support group and letting me know that they will be having a candle lighting ceremony in December in memory of the babies lost.  I finally had to ask her if we could talk about it another time, since I was trying my hardest not to cry at work.

Physically it's still hard.  I am not sleeping well.  Sometimes it's like I can't turn my brain off.  I'll be trying to fall asleep and I'll start thinking about how happy I was when I got that first positive test and how excited DH was when I told him and then I think about how that's all over now and the sadness just overwhelms me again.  It makes it hard to fall asleep.  On top of that last night I woke up with cramps several times during the night.

I put away all of our IVF stuff yesterday.  I found a photo box and put my IVF calendar in there along with the photo of our little blast and the photo of the ultrasound during transfer.  I also admit that I put my FRERs in the box as well.  I know that I should throw them away, but right now I feel like holding on to my first ever BFP.

I also decided to order a ring to wear in honor of our little angel.  I found a sterling silver and ruby (July's birthstone) ring on Amazon, it should be here tomorrow.  Here is what it looks like:

I am also considering getting a new Christmas ornament to hang in honor of our angel baby, but I'm not sure yet.  I don't want to make Christmas too depressing, but I also feel like we should remember our angel baby.

12dp5dt Beta #2 is in

Beta #2 came back at 3.  This was not a huge surprise since my FRER was negative this morning.  I was told to stop my meds and ween myself off the steroids.  It just sucks.  With my birthday and the holidays are coming up, I feel no excitement.   I usually love this time of year.  I'm turning another year older with a still empty uterus.  I'm still only hanging stockings for our family of four (Our pets have stockings).  It's depressing.  At least last year at this time I was looking forward to starting treatments with a RE.  Now a year later I'm still no closer to my dream.

11dp5dt This is the End

Only the faintest line left on my FRER wondfo is snow white.  I've accepted that this is not going to end well and am preparing myself for the bad news from my beta tomorrow.  I only knew I was pregnant for five days but it was enough for me to fall in love.  It is amazing how much happiness, joy, concern, sorrow, and pain can fit into five short days.

I love you baby "Lucky". You were never in my arms, but will be forever in my heart.

10dp5dt

More HPTs this morning.  The FRER still has a line, but lighter than yesterday.  The wondfo had pretty much no second line at all.  I even tried a digi, it came back "not pregnant."  I know that the darkness of the lines don't necessarily mean much, but I can't help but feel like this isn't going to have a happy ending.  I am going to try to stay positive until I hear the results for beta #2.  Right now my FRER is still positive, so I am still pregnant.  I will hold onto that.

9dp5dt

More POAS today.  FRER still has a nice line (maybe even a little darker than yesterday) and the wondfo is much darker than yesterday.  This reassures me that I am still pregnant today.

Friendly advice, do not POAS in the middle of the day.  I took another wondfo after work and almost no line.  I know better than that, but if couldn't help it. I know that me pee wasn't as concentrated as this morning and that I can't compare the two tests, but it still freaked me out a little.

It's definitely nerve wracking waiting on beta #2.  POAS gives me reassurance that I am still pregnant, but I am also afraid that I will take a test and it will be negative.  I know that right now this is out of my hands, but that isn't comforting to a control freak like me.