So IVF #3 starts tomorrow and I am trying to decide how I feel about it. I am not really excited or nervous, or scared like the last two cycles. I just am. I force myself to sound positive when I talk about this cycle, but I don't think I really feel positive. I don't feel negative either. I kind of feel that I am in emotional limbo and oddly I think I am ok with that.
I think that part of the problem is that I feel like this cycle just snuck up on me. Usually I spend so much time planning everything out and I just didn't this cycle. My consents are notarized but not filled out, I still need to call the pharmacy and schedule my delivery date for my meds, and I am sure there are other things I need to do but I just don't feel like being crazy planner lady this cycle. I'll get everything done when I get around to it.
I've been telling people that I don't have a resolution this year, but maybe I do. Maybe my resolution is that I am not going to be a crazy stressed out hormonal mess this cycle. We'll see.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
IVF #3 and the holidays
Ok, so I officially suck at blogging. It's been awhile since I posted, so let me catch you up.
My last post was reporting the results of our WTF appointment part 2 and as I mentioned in that post, we are moving forward with IVF #3 in January. Everything is moving right along, I am on BCPs and start Lupron New Year's Day. It's fitting, right? Starting a new IVF cycle and a new year the same day.
One reason I've been MIA the last few weeks is that I've had a hard time dealing with the holidays and my birthday this year. Last year was filled with so much hope. This time last year we were waiting to start treatment with our RE and I just knew we would be pregnant or have a baby by the time the year was over. Apparently my calculations were a little off...
Anyway, I've become a professional at attempting to hide or bury my feelings (Most bloggers turn to their blog to deal with their feelings, but what can I say, I'm special like that). I've buried myself in books, movies, tv, and a little too much alcohol on one occasion, all in an attempt to avoid the fact that I'm sad. Yup, I'll say it, it's my favorite time of year and I'm not enjoying it (or at least as much as I normally would). I see all of these happy people getting/doing exactly what they want and it just reminds me of the empty parts of my life. Why do some people get exactly what they want with little or no effort and others have to work so hard and spend every penny they have? ::sigh:: The only answer is that life's not fair. I know this and accept this, but I still think it freaking sucks.
I don't want to make it sound like I am a complete Scrooge this year, my life is not all doom and gloom. I finished wrapping DH's Christmas presents and I can't wait to see him open them. I love buying gifts for him. Also my youngest nephew is one and has really brought some humor to my life the last few weeks. He is such a ham and loves to make me laugh. It's hard to be in a bad mood when he is around.
I've also just started attending a miscarriage support group. It's funny because as devastating as our loss was, it's been easier for me to deal with it than dealing with our infertility. I think it is because I know why the miscarriage happened. Our embryo was just not good quality. All of our embryos have been poor quality. It's harder for me to deal with our infertility. It looks like we are dealing with poor egg quality, but why? I mean drug addicts can have a baby, why can't a relatively healthy 31 year old? Anyway I digress, back to the support group. It's nice to have a place to use as an outlet to my negative feelings. While most haven't dealt with infertility, they understand loss and infertility is very much a loss. I attended a candle lighting ceremony last week for the babies lost and it was nice. I also got an ornament with the miscarriage support ribbon on it and the date of our miscarriage. We have so few reminders of our loss, it's nice to have something tangible to remember our angel by.
My last post was reporting the results of our WTF appointment part 2 and as I mentioned in that post, we are moving forward with IVF #3 in January. Everything is moving right along, I am on BCPs and start Lupron New Year's Day. It's fitting, right? Starting a new IVF cycle and a new year the same day.
One reason I've been MIA the last few weeks is that I've had a hard time dealing with the holidays and my birthday this year. Last year was filled with so much hope. This time last year we were waiting to start treatment with our RE and I just knew we would be pregnant or have a baby by the time the year was over. Apparently my calculations were a little off...
Anyway, I've become a professional at attempting to hide or bury my feelings (Most bloggers turn to their blog to deal with their feelings, but what can I say, I'm special like that). I've buried myself in books, movies, tv, and a little too much alcohol on one occasion, all in an attempt to avoid the fact that I'm sad. Yup, I'll say it, it's my favorite time of year and I'm not enjoying it (or at least as much as I normally would). I see all of these happy people getting/doing exactly what they want and it just reminds me of the empty parts of my life. Why do some people get exactly what they want with little or no effort and others have to work so hard and spend every penny they have? ::sigh:: The only answer is that life's not fair. I know this and accept this, but I still think it freaking sucks.
I don't want to make it sound like I am a complete Scrooge this year, my life is not all doom and gloom. I finished wrapping DH's Christmas presents and I can't wait to see him open them. I love buying gifts for him. Also my youngest nephew is one and has really brought some humor to my life the last few weeks. He is such a ham and loves to make me laugh. It's hard to be in a bad mood when he is around.
I've also just started attending a miscarriage support group. It's funny because as devastating as our loss was, it's been easier for me to deal with it than dealing with our infertility. I think it is because I know why the miscarriage happened. Our embryo was just not good quality. All of our embryos have been poor quality. It's harder for me to deal with our infertility. It looks like we are dealing with poor egg quality, but why? I mean drug addicts can have a baby, why can't a relatively healthy 31 year old? Anyway I digress, back to the support group. It's nice to have a place to use as an outlet to my negative feelings. While most haven't dealt with infertility, they understand loss and infertility is very much a loss. I attended a candle lighting ceremony last week for the babies lost and it was nice. I also got an ornament with the miscarriage support ribbon on it and the date of our miscarriage. We have so few reminders of our loss, it's nice to have something tangible to remember our angel by.
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